Sober living guide
Living with roommates in sober living: how to share a house in recovery
Agree on the basics in writing in your first week: chores, quiet hours, guests, shared food and how you'll raise problems. Then deal with friction early: talk to the person first, and take anything you can't settle to the house meeting. In one sober living program researchers describe, chores and a weekly house meeting are required of every resident (Polcin & Henderson, 2008). Jump to the printable agreement.
- Agree
- Chores, quiet hours, guests, food and how problems get raised, in writing.
- Talk
- Early, in private, about one thing at a time.
- Escalate
- House meeting next; the house manager or staff at once for anything unsafe.
Reviewed against public sources, October 2026. Sources: Journal of Psychoactive Drugs (Polcin and Henderson), National Institute on Drug Abuse, CDC. Sources
What is different about sharing a house in recovery?
Everyone in a sober living home has agreed to stay sober and to follow the same written house rules, so living together is part of the support, not just a way to split rent. Researchers describe the peers in the house as central to how these homes work: residents "learn strategies from each other" and help each other in practical ways, such as tips on where to find work (Polcin & Henderson, 2008).
That also means a roommate's habits matter more than in an ordinary rental. A late guest, a missed chore or a loud night touches everyone in the house who is trying to keep a routine. Houses run on this peer-support model tend to give residents a say in how the house runs, through a residents' council or a similar group (Polcin & Henderson, 2008).
Side by side
A shared rental and a sober living home
A shared rental
- Rules are whatever housemates work out
- Guests come and go
- Chores are informal
- No set place to raise a problem
A sober living home
- One written set of house rules for everyone
- Guests within house rules, such as limits on overnight stays
- Chores required by the house
- A house meeting to raise problems
Source: features of sober living houses described by Polcin and Henderson, 2008
What should roommates agree on in the first week?
Five things: chores, quiet hours and sleep, guests, shared food and belongings, and how you'll raise a problem. Write them down and keep a copy each. Where the house rules already decide something, such as curfew or visiting hours, start from the rule and agree on the details it leaves open.
- Chores
- Who does what, and when does the rota turn over?
- Quiet hours and sleep
- When do lights, calls and alarms need to be quiet?
- Guests
- When are visitors fine, and how much notice do you give each other?
- Shared food and things
- What's shared, what's labelled, and do you ask before using it?
- How we raise problems
- Who do you tell first, and when does it go to the house meeting?
The printable roommate agreement below has a space for each one.
How should housemates split chores, food and money?
Use a written chore rotation so turns are visible, label food that isn't shared, and don't lend or borrow money. In the program researchers describe in detail, chores are a condition of staying in the house, so where a house assigns them, its rota comes first (Polcin & Henderson, 2008).
Explainer diagram
Example: a four-week chore rotation for four housemates, A to D
For food, give each person a shelf or a labelled bin, and agree which staples, if any, are shared and who restocks them. Ask before you use anything that isn't yours, even something small.
Keep money out of the friendship: don't lend, borrow or run tabs with housemates. Small debts can turn into resentment in a shared house, and some homes ban lending between residents outright, so check the rules. For how chores fit around work, meetings and curfew, see a typical day in sober living.
How do you handle conflict with a roommate in recovery?
Raise it early and in private, hear their side, agree on one change, and check in a week later. Keep it about what happened, not about who they are, and wait until you're calm: a problem raised in front of the house or in the middle of an argument is harder to settle.
- Raise itEarly, in private, one thing at a time.Say: "Can we talk about the dishes? When they sit overnight, I end up doing them before work."
- Hear itLet them answer, then repeat back what you heard.Say: "So your shift ends late and you're wiped out. Did I get that right?"
- AgreeOne specific change each, said out loud.Say: "You'll do them before noon; I'll leave them till then."
- Follow upCheck in a week later, and say what's working.Say: "It's been a week. How's it going for you?"
If the change doesn't hold after the check-in, it goes to the house meeting.
When should a roommate problem go to the house meeting or to staff?
Talk one-on-one first. Take it to the house meeting if that doesn't work or it affects everyone. Go to the house manager or staff straight away for threats, violence, theft, alcohol or drugs, or anything unsafe.
| Level | When | What to do |
|---|---|---|
| 1. One-on-one | First, for everyday friction | Dishes, noise, borrowed things: use the four steps above. |
| 2. House meeting | The agreement didn't hold, or it affects everyone | Raise the behaviour, not the person, and ask the house to agree on a fix. |
| 3. House manager or staff | Right away, for safety | Threats, violence, theft, alcohol or drugs in the house, or anyone at risk. Don't wait for the meeting. In an emergency, call 911. |
In one program researchers describe, a mandatory weekly house meeting is where residents share how their week went and set goals for the next one, and houses on this model tend to have a residents' council or similar group that gives residents input into how the house runs (Polcin & Henderson, 2008). That makes it the natural place for a problem that two people couldn't settle alone.
What should you do if you think a roommate is drinking or using?
Don't cover for it and don't confront it alone: tell the house manager or staff. If someone won't wake up or isn't breathing normally, call 911 and give naloxone if you have it (NIDA, 2024).
Telling isn't betrayal. Rules against alcohol and drugs in the house exist to keep everyone safe, including the person who is struggling. Don't search their things or take substances from them yourself; leave that to the people who run the house.
If they won't wake up or aren't breathing normally
Call 911 right away, give naloxone (Narcan) if you have it, and stay with them until help arrives (NIDA, 2024; CDC, 2025).
The full steps: signs of an overdose and what to do.
Living with roommates in sober living: how to share a house in recovery
Handout
Print the roommate agreement and conflict script
One page: the four steps with the words to say, and a roommate agreement you fill in together in your first week. Keep a copy each.
Nothing you type here is saved or sent. Your browser's own print command prints this sheet too, or print it blank and fill it in by hand.
Source: Living with roommates in sober living, livesobernj.com/living-with-roommates-in-sober-living/ (reviewed October 2026). Polcin and Henderson, 2008; NIDA, 2024. House rules come first where they cover a topic. General information, not clinical or legal advice.NJ Sober Living (201) 231-1066
What are the downsides of living with roommates in recovery?
Less privacy, less freedom and more exposure to other people's hard weeks: shared recovery housing runs on rules, and the rules apply to everyone. Each point below comes from how sober living houses are described in research (Polcin & Henderson, 2008).
Where it can help
- Residents learn strategies from each other and help with practical things, such as where to find work.
- One program shares its first-phase bedrooms on purpose, to cut isolation and add accountability.
- A regular house meeting gives every resident a set place to raise a problem.
Downsides and limits
- Less privacy: in one program, first-phase bedrooms hold two or three people, and private rooms come only in a later phase, at a higher rent.
- Less freedom: in one program, every resident starts under a nightly curfew and signs in and out, and overnight guests stay limited even in the later phase.
- A housemate's relapse touches the whole house, and in some houses a relapse means the resident has to leave.
- The evidence is limited: the study's own authors note that its sample was limited in size, geography and type of house, so results elsewhere may differ.
General information, not clinical, legal or housing advice. Each house's written rules decide how it works.
Questions about living with roommates in sober living
Often not. Rooms are usually the house's call, and some homes don't allow switching without approval, so ask how rooms are assigned before you move in.
An ordinary disagreement is usually worked out in the house, through a talk or the house meeting. Serious violations, such as threats, violence or theft, are handled under the house's written rules and can lead to discharge. More in can you get kicked out of sober living.
Try earplugs, a sleep mask and an agreed quiet window, and raise it with the four steps. If it still doesn't work, ask the house manager what options there are; room changes are the house's decision.
No. Some homes ban lending between residents outright, and even small loans can turn into resentment between housemates.
No. It is about safety, theirs and everyone else's in the house. Tell the house manager or staff, and in an emergency call 911.
You don't have to be friends. Keep it civil, stick to what you agreed in writing, use the four steps for each problem, and take what doesn't hold to the house meeting.
Sources
This guide is general information from the sources below, not clinical, legal or housing advice.
- Polcin, D. L., and Henderson, D. M. (2008). A Clean and Sober Place to Live: Philosophy, Structure, and Purported Therapeutic Factors in Sober Living Houses. Journal of Psychoactive Drugs, 40(2), 153-159. pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov. Accessed October 30, 2026.
- National Institute on Drug Abuse (2024). Understanding an Overdose and How to Respond to One. nida.nih.gov. Accessed October 30, 2026.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2025). Lifesaving Naloxone. cdc.gov. Accessed October 30, 2026.